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6 Ancient, Horrible Types Of Contraception

Everything was harder back in the day — way back, before science — and avoiding sex’s unwanted consequences was no exception. Thankfully, technology has progressed to the point where contraception is effective and easily attainable. So instead of complaining about condoms, just be grateful that you don’t have to carry weasel testicles in your wallet in case you get lucky.

1. Onion Juice

ancient egyptians’ building techniques are impressive even by today’s standards, but their contraceptive practices leave a lot to be desired. the men would soak their penises in onion juice to prevent pregnancy. imagine how awkward it’d be to explain that you’re not crying because you’re sad; you’re crying because of your onion-lubricated dick.

2. Goat Bladder

Condoms have been around long enough for actual Trojans to have worn Trojans, but — since they didn’t have latex — ancient Romans would use condoms made from goats’ bladders. We’re guessing these did not come in “ultra-thin” or “ribbed for her pleasure” varieties.

3. Tortoiseshell

If you think condoms rob any feeling from sex, then be glad you didn’t live in Japan many years ago, back when condoms were made from tortoiseshells and animal horns (gives new meaning to “feeling horny”). That sounds miserable for everyone involved, although — if you had performance anxiety or too much to drink — you could just pretend to be hard.

4. Bloodletting

Before modern medicine, bloodletting was considered a cure for just about everything. A few hundred years ago, for example, it was used to curb a man’s libido so he’d have no desire for sex, and thus, couldn’t impregnate anyone. Technically, this works, but in a very painful, roundabout way.

5. Coitus Obstructus

This is a fancy Latin expression for an incredibly painful technique that supposedly kept sperm inside the man’s body during orgasm. We’d describe the process, but it’s just too unpleasant. No matter how kinky you are, do not try this.

6. Weasel Balls And Mule Earwax

During the Middle Ages, European women would wear amulets made fromweasel testicles and mule earwax as a contraceptive charm. (That’s what happens when you accuse anyone who practices rational science of being a witch.) Everyone should be glad this has gone out of style, including men and women and, especially, weasels.

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